It’s been three days since I’ve slept. Three torturous days since I’ve been able to sleep peacefully. I can’t stop my mind from racing. Every time I try to close my eyes, your image flashes back at me, and they pop open again. I can’t stop seeing your smile in my head. The sound of your laughter keeps me up at night. I toss and turn, but the minute I feel sleepy, the minute my eyelids shut, your face zaps into my head.
I hate it. I hate every minute I lay there thinking of you.
People are starting to see that something is wrong with me. My eyes are bloodshot, there are bags under my eyes, my hair that was once so shiny is now dull and stringy. I think I even lost weight. I don’t know how much longer I can last without seeing you. I can feel my mind slowly deteriorating again.
I feel like I’m starting to dream while I am awake. I am starting to see you even when I don’t close my eyes. Something happens and I turn to tell it to you. I try to text you, but it won’t go through. I forget that I’ve blocked your number. It’s for my own good, I know, but it doesn’t help. I search for you in all the social media. I look for you on every website I can think of, but your name doesn’t come up. It’s like you never existed. Like you were never a part of my life.
Dammit I know you were there! I cried to you about my family, I was at your house, I ate dinner with you, gossiped with you, I loved you.
But it wasn’t enough for you and I know that now. It’s why I blocked you in my phone, why I erased your name from existence. My head remembers it’s for my own good, that I did this only to myself, but my heart screams out that I didn’t do it, someone else must have. Because you love me and I love you.
But it’s not true.
It’s the middle of the night and all I can do is lay here and hope that tonight I will finally sleep. It’s been three days since I’ve slept.